For many parents, one of the most difficult estate planning decisions is deciding whom to name as guardian for their minor children.
It is a significant decision. If something happens to you and your children’s other parent, the person you choose may become responsible for raising your children, making decisions about their day-to-day lives, and helping them cope with an enormous personal loss.
The difficulty of making this choice sometimes causes parents to postpone creating an estate plan altogether. But avoiding the decision does not eliminate the issue. If both parents die while their children are minors and have not expressed their wishes, a court may ultimately have to determine who should care for the children.
You do not need to find a perfect person. No prospective guardian will match you in every respect, and every candidate will have strengths and weaknesses. Instead, focus on identifying the person who is best equipped to provide your children with a safe, loving, stable home while preserving the values and priorities that matter most to your family.
The following factors can help you evaluate your options.
1. Age and Maturity
A prospective guardian’s age matters, but maturity is equally important.
Simply being a legal adult does not necessarily mean someone is ready to assume responsibility for raising children. Parenting requires an enormous emotional commitment as well as considerable time, patience, judgment, and energy.
A very young person who is still establishing a career, relationships, or an independent lifestyle may be an excellent person but may not yet be in a stage of life that allows them to provide the stability your children would need.
At the other end of the spectrum, grandparents are often natural candidates because children may already have close, loving relationships with them. But parents should consider whether an older prospective guardian will have the health, energy, and stamina necessary to care for young children through adulthood.
Rather than focusing on a particular age, consider the entire picture.
Ask yourself:
- Is this person mature enough to assume the role of a parent?
- Do they have the physical and emotional capacity to raise my children?
- Are they likely to be able to care for my children until adulthood?
- Can they provide stability during an extremely difficult transition?
The best choice is someone with both the maturity and capacity to accept the long-term responsibilities involved.
2. Character, Judgment, and Dependability
The character of the person you select is fundamental.
A guardian could have a suitable home, sufficient financial resources, and plenty of time, but those qualities mean little if you do not trust the person’s judgment or character.
Consider how each prospective guardian conducts their own life.
Does the person:
- Consistently demonstrate good judgment?
- Live responsibly?
- Show patience?
- Demonstrate honesty, integrity, and self-control?
- Honor commitments?
- Act dependably?
- Handle adversity well?
- Provide the kind of example you want your children to follow?
Everyone makes mistakes, so one poor decision should not necessarily disqualify someone. What matters more is whether you see a pattern of irresponsibility, volatility, dishonesty, poor judgment, or an unwillingness to accept responsibility.
The guardian you select could be asked to assume this role under extraordinarily difficult circumstances. Your children may be grieving, frightened, and emotionally vulnerable. They will need someone who can remain dependable even when circumstances become challenging.
Your guardian should therefore be someone you trust not only when life is easy, but also when life becomes difficult.
3. Similar Values and Parenting Philosophy
Parents communicate their values to their children every day, both intentionally and unintentionally.
You may teach your children the importance of faith, education, financial responsibility, community service, kindness, discipline, family relationships, or other principles that are important to you.
You do this through the way you parent, the rules you establish, how you spend your time, the activities you encourage, the traditions you follow, and the example you set.
If you were no longer able to raise your children, would you want those lessons to continue? If so, consider whether a prospective guardian shares the values that matter most to you.
For example, consider your respective views concerning:
- Religion and faith
- Morals and personal responsibility
- Education
- Discipline
- Parenting style
- Financial responsibility
- Community involvement
- Family relationships
- The activities and influences to which children should be exposed
It is unlikely that anyone will share every one of your beliefs or parent exactly as you would. That should not necessarily eliminate an otherwise excellent candidate.
Instead, identify the values that are most important to you and select someone whom you trust to reinforce those principles while exercising sound independent judgment.
4. The Guardian’s Relationship With Your Children
Someone may seem like an ideal guardian to you but have little connection with your children.
That matters.
People have different personalities, and some naturally connect better than others. Your children will already be experiencing a profound emotional loss if a guardian ever has to step into the parental role. A strong existing relationship can make that transition easier.
Consider each candidate from your children’s perspective.
Ask:
- Does this person communicate easily with my children?
- Do my children enjoy spending time with them?
- Do my children trust them?
- Would my children feel comfortable confiding in them?
- Could my children turn to this person for emotional support?
- Is there genuine affection between them?
- Do their personalities work well together?
In short, do they click?
Family members are often attractive guardian candidates precisely because a strong relationship already exists. But being related to your children does not automatically make someone the best candidate, just as being a close friend rather than a relative does not make someone unsuitable.
What matters is the relationship itself.
Whenever possible, the person you select should either already have a meaningful emotional connection with your children or be someone you strongly believe can develop one.
Your children’s feelings deserve consideration as well. If they are old enough to have meaningful opinions about the people in their lives, pay attention to those relationships when making your decision.
5. Location of Residence
Where a prospective guardian lives can significantly affect your children.
Moving is difficult for many children even under ordinary circumstances. They may have to leave their home, school, friends, extracurricular activities, extended family, and familiar community. When that move occurs immediately after losing their parents, the disruption may be much harder.
Consider where each prospective guardian currently lives and what would happen if your children had to move there.
Would your children:
- Remain in the same community?
- Be able to continue attending the same school?
- Stay near grandparents and extended family?
- Maintain friendships and activities?
- Need to move to another city or state?
- Experience a substantially different lifestyle or environment?
Ideally, a guardian might live close enough that your children could preserve many aspects of their existing lives. In reality, however, the person who is best equipped to raise your children may live somewhere else.
Distance alone should not automatically eliminate an otherwise excellent guardian.
Instead, consider the big picture. Moving to another city to live with someone your children love, trust, and know well may be far preferable to remaining nearby with someone who is not well suited to raise them.
The question is not simply where the guardian lives. It is how the entire transition would affect your children.
6. Marital Status and Household Stability
Whether a prospective guardian is married or single does not determine whether that person will be a good guardian. Excellent parents and guardians can be found in many different family structures.
But the prospective guardian’s household circumstances should be part of your evaluation.
If You Are Considering a Married Couple
Some parents think of a married couple as a single guardianship choice. But circumstances can change.
Consider what you would want to happen if the couple later separates or divorces. Would you want one spouse rather than the other to serve? Would either spouse independently remain an appropriate choice?
Clarifying your priorities can prevent future uncertainty.
If You Are Naming One Married Person
If you intend to name one spouse individually, consider the other spouse as well.
Your children would probably be living in a household with both people. Even if you have complete confidence in the person you are naming, significant concerns about their spouse should factor into your decision.
If You Are Considering a Single Person
A single person may be an excellent guardian. But consider the practical demands of that arrangement.
Would the person have adequate support? Could they manage work and parenting responsibilities? Do they have family or friends who could assist them?
Also remember that a single prospective guardian might eventually marry. Consider whether you trust that person’s judgment sufficiently to choose a spouse who would provide an appropriate environment for your children.
Regardless of marital status, your goal should be to select someone capable of providing your children with a stable household.
7. The Prospective Guardian’s Children and Family Dynamics
If the person you are considering already has children, think about how your children would fit into that household.
If tragedy occurred, your children would not simply acquire a guardian. In practical terms, they would become part of another family.
Start by considering whether the prospective guardian realistically has the capacity to raise additional children. Parenting already requires substantial time and energy. If you have several children, adding them to a household that already includes children could dramatically change the size and demands of that family.
Observe how the prospective guardian currently handles parenting. Does the person generally appear patient and capable, or already overwhelmed by existing responsibilities?
You should also consider the relationship between the children.
Ask:
- Do your children get along with the prospective guardian’s children?
- Are their ages reasonably compatible?
- Do their personalities work well together?
- Would your children feel comfortable living with them?
- Are there serious behavioral concerns that could negatively affect your children?
Occasional arguments between children are obviously normal. The issue is whether the overall household would provide a safe and healthy environment.
Family dynamics matter because your children could ultimately spend many years in that household.
8. Work Schedule and Availability
Raising children requires time—often far more time than prospective parents imagine before having children of their own.
Homework, school events, extracurricular activities, doctor appointments, music lessons, sports, parent-teacher conferences, birthday parties, transportation, meals, and ordinary day-to-day conversations all require a parent’s involvement.
When evaluating a guardian, consider whether that person’s work and lifestyle allow enough time to be actively involved in your children’s lives.
Ask:
- Does the person regularly work very long hours?
- Is their schedule predictable?
- Would they frequently be unavailable in the evenings or on weekends?
- Does their job require substantial travel?
- If they travel, who would care for your children while they are away?
- Do they have flexibility to handle illnesses, school events, and emergencies?
- Does their occupation involve unusual physical danger?
A demanding career does not automatically make someone unsuitable. Many working parents successfully balance significant professional responsibilities with raising children.
The important question is how the person would realistically manage both responsibilities.
If their schedule would leave your children primarily in someone else’s care, determine whether that arrangement is acceptable to you.
9. Financial Stability and Your Plan for Supporting Your Children
Raising children is expensive. Adding one or more children to a household can increase expenses for housing, food, clothing, transportation, childcare, education, extracurricular activities, medical care, and many other necessities.
You should not select a guardian simply because that person has substantial financial resources. Nor should you expect the guardian to personally finance your children’s upbringing. Providing sufficient resources for your children is part of your own estate planning responsibility.
Nevertheless, the prospective guardian’s general financial stability is a legitimate consideration.
Someone already experiencing severe financial difficulties may find the responsibility of adding children to the household particularly stressful, even if your estate provides resources for their care.
At the same time, review your own plan to determine whether you are leaving sufficient resources.
Consider:
- Your children’s ordinary living expenses
- Childcare costs
- Education expenses
- Extracurricular activities and hobbies
- Medical or other special needs
- Transportation
- College or other post-secondary education goals
- Whether the guardian might need a larger home or additional living space
Life insurance is often an important component of planning for families with minor children because it can provide additional resources if a parent dies unexpectedly.
The central principle is simple: your guardian should be selected primarily because of their ability to raise your children—not because you expect them to absorb the financial burden of doing so.
Work with your estate planning and financial professionals to determine how the resources you leave should be managed for your children.
10. Willingness to Serve
After evaluating every other factor, one question remains essential: Does this person actually want to serve as your children’s guardian?
Parents sometimes name a sibling, relative, or close friend without first discussing the decision with that person. They assume the person would agree because they love the family and the children.
Do not make that assumption.
Even someone who loves your children deeply may have legitimate reasons for being unable or unwilling to assume responsibility for raising them.
Health issues, finances, existing children, work responsibilities, family circumstances, or simply their stage of life can affect the answer.
Talk with the people you are seriously considering. That conversation can accomplish several things. It allows you to:
- Confirm their willingness to serve
- Discover concerns or reservations
- Discuss your expectations
- Learn more about their parenting philosophy
- Discuss religion, education, discipline, finances, and other priorities
- Understand how their work and family circumstances could affect your children
- Give them an opportunity to think seriously about the responsibility rather than merely reacting in the moment
You may learn something during that conversation that changes your decision.
And the conversation should not necessarily happen only once.
Revisit Your Choice as Circumstances Change
Choosing a guardian is not a one-time decision that must remain unchanged forever.
Lives evolve.
The person who is your best choice today may not be your best choice five or ten years from now. A prospective guardian may:
- Have additional children
- Marry or divorce
- Develop health problems
- Experience financial difficulties
- Move across the country
- Change careers
- Develop a closer—or more distant—relationship with your children
- Become unable or unwilling to serve
Your children change too. Their ages, personalities, relationships, educational needs, and preferences may make a different candidate more appropriate over time.
Review your guardianship choice periodically, particularly after significant changes in your family or the guardian’s circumstances.
It is also worthwhile to revisit the conversation with the person you selected. Someone who willingly agreed several years ago may now be in a completely different situation.
There Is No Perfect Guardian
One reason parents struggle with this decision is that they are looking for someone who can replace them.
No one can.
You are unlikely to find a prospective guardian who lives exactly where you want, shares every one of your values, has unlimited time, possesses perfect parenting skills, has ideal finances, maintains a perfect household, and has precisely the relationship with your children that you would like.
That does not mean you should postpone making a decision.
Instead, determine which factors matter most to your family.
Perhaps maintaining a close relationship with your children is your highest priority. Perhaps religious upbringing is particularly important. Perhaps keeping siblings together, remaining near extended family, or preserving your children’s community matters most.
Evaluate the candidates as whole people rather than looking for perfection in every category.
The goal is to identify the person you trust most to love your children, protect them, exercise sound judgment, provide stability, and raise them in a manner that respects the values that matter most to you.
Make Your Wishes Part of Your Estate Plan
Thinking carefully about a guardian is important, but your decision also needs to become part of an appropriate estate plan.
The laws governing guardianship and the legal effect of a parent’s designation vary by jurisdiction and individual circumstances. An estate planning attorney can help you understand how to document your wishes properly, identify appropriate backup choices, and coordinate your guardianship decision with the financial provisions you establish for your children.
Choosing a guardian may be one of the hardest parts of planning for parents of minor children. But making the decision now can give you greater confidence that, if the unthinkable happens, the people responsible for deciding your children’s future will understand whom you trusted to care for them.
